time for time | ronak shah

Dear Time , I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get angry with you. I honestly don't know that I have a valid excuse for the way I've been acting. Your just doing your job, and I'm the one getting in the way again. You didn't do anything to deserve the bitterness I feel towards you. I didn't realize it had gotten to this point. I should have never let it get this out of hand, but I did.

I don't know what happened. For years I believed I was fine. I would ignore you as you passed by, because you were just a reminder of how long my life's been like this. It hurt to see you. I couldn't look you in the eyes. I was embarrassed, because you knew everything. There was nothing that you didn't know about me, because you were there for every second of my life. You saw what went on behind the closed door to my house. You were the only one that could really intimidate me. I feared you, I still fear you. I was just scared that as you continued to pass by me things would stay the same. I thought that you walked past me just to haunt me, I was wrong.

I would constantly be trying to find ways to blame every thing on you. When it came to you there was either not enough time or too much time, there was no in between. When I finally had some peace, when my parents were trying, you would start to run faster than I've ever seen. Before I knew it you had already passed me. When things were going terrible you would take your sweet old time, like you had no where to go. I used to think that you would just watch me as I sat on my bed having a panic attack at midnight. I began to hate you, I actually hated you. I didn't know I was capable of really hating something. When I asked God to let you take the rest of my time you told him no, back then I thought you wanted me to suffer. I thought you were just playing tricks with me.

There were moments where I thought you were taking a nap, like you just stopped. Moments where I could just think, where I could just breathe. It was like the world around me had completely stopped. Everything around me would be so peaceful . But even when I was surrounded by peace I was not peaceful. I had so many things that you never allowed me to process, my mind would spin in one hundred different ways. But I could actually think clearly and rationally. Even if the thoughts were terrifying I could still get through them with out crumbling. It was like the broken part of me decided to take a walk and the hopeful part of me made an appearance. It felt like you were trying to let me catch up.

Only now do I realize that you have never changed your pace. And all the times where I thought you were mocking me I was wrong. I think I just I was just so desperate for something to be mad at and to blame my frustration on that I didn't really think about what was really happening. It wasn't you that was making me bitter, it was the life I was living. I know that it doesn't make what I did okay. I shouldn't have tried to escape from you. I was just so tired of pretending that everything was fine when it wasn't. I was tired of trying so hard not to cry in school because I wasn't ready to go home.

I want to say that I wasn't thinking straight, but I was. I was thinking that anything could be better than this. I was thinking that everyone would be happier without me. But then I saw that weird shaped heart that Sammi made for me last Valentine's day pinned above my bed. And I saw his bright eyes in a tiny square picture of himself on the bottom of the heart, and I couldn't do it. I knew that if I weren't here that sparkle in my little brothers eyes would disappear. I knew that he would have to carry the burden that I carry. And I knew that it was not the time to be selfish. Part of me wants to say it's all you fault that it came to this, but I know.it wasn't. I just want to say that I'm sorry I've been taking all my problems out on you. I want to promise that I will do better, but only you can tell.

Authors note :-

Firstly I want to say thank you for reading this ...!

Hope you enjoyed it ..!!!